You are not alone if you have gone through adultery.
At any point, 30 to 60% of marriages experience unfaithfulness. Although this may sound surprising and not to normalize cheating behavior, but they are just numbers. Yet, cheating does not have to entirely end your marriage.
You can heal after adultery. More and more people are seeking to repair their marriages. Now that you want to end an extramarital affair, here are the basic measures to save your marriage.
1. Give the extramarital affair some perspective.
To put guilt and blame on the person who had the affair is easy and tempting. Yet it would squander any chance to resolve the underlying problems that have led to the marriage breakdown. There are lots of ways a couple can let each other down. One way is an affair. Other aspects could be neglect, indifference, withholding sex, failing to connect emotionally, and more. Learn what did not work out in your relationship. Individual therapy can help you identify your feelings and explore your need to have the affair.
2. Recognize how each other is feeling and let them process their feelings.
Both spouses must understand and let each other process what the other might feel in response to the affair:
- A person who has been deceived can feel vulnerable, jealous, furious, profoundly depressed, and anxious at various times. They may obsess about specifics of the affair, imagine all the mental images, and become hypervigilant with everything that may show any continuing communication with the person the affair was with or hints that the affair is not over.
- The person who has had the affair would feel guilt, remorse, fear of continuing ‘punishment’ for the affair, rage, sorrow for the person they had to let go of, bitterness, or hollowness.
3. Be accountable and set boundaries.
This is important that you are honest if you are the one who had the affair – even if it sounds ludicrous at first. This may take some time, but if you want to rebuild your marriage, it’s important. If you plan to go out, be at the location that you promised you would go and when you say you will be and let your spouse know. If your spouse calls, answer immediately. If they text, then always text back. Showing commitment and constant communication is key to rebuilding trust.
4. Find the point of forgiveness.
If your spouse was the one who hurt you, you will have days that you will feel frustrated and other days that you cannot breathe easily. Your spouse will undoubtedly have to deal with this for a long time, and you would need to express your feelings thoughtfully. Another approach is to discuss frankly and know all the reasons your marriage broke down.
5. Support your grieving spouse, no matter what.
If you are the one who had the affair, realize your spouse will fluctuate between many emotions from anger to devastation to proclamations of love to never wanting to see you again. Let their feelings go over you and validate them. As always, continue to be loving and supportive of them.
6. Take in a novel experience together.
Do something creative and fun together when the time feels right. Go on a day road trip to an unknown destination, or start a new hobby or project. If your marriage has been without sex for a while, get it back. This can raise dopamine in the brain and help revitalize romantic love.
Heal Your Marriage with Couples Counseling
While individual therapy is helpful is resolving interpersonal issues, counseling for couples can guide you and your spouse in navigating the right steps to heal your marriage. You can gain a fresh start with your spouse and renew your love and trust with each other.
To learn more about how to save your marriage, schedule online couples counseling with one of our counselors by calling 919-647-4600 extension 1.
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